I spent most my teen years creating a perception of beauty that only highlighted the best features of myself. For the most part I grew to think of beauty as something that I could gain outside of myself. If I walked into a room and had eyes on me, this would give me validation that I was beautiful. I had grown to be so dependent on how someone responds to me physically that it was almost hard to accept when I walked down the street and no one told me I was pretty. What I failed to understand at the time was that If Jesus loved me enough to die for my sins surely his love for me would transcend my insecurities.
The love God has for me would have compelled me not to search outside of who he was only to seek validation that was based on how attractive you would have judged me to be. It would have been enough security to sustain me; in moments where I had felt like no one could truly see past my pretense, he could see it all. There would’ve been no need to pretend, to act like I was so great when in all honesty I just felt small.
The thing about building your identity on how attractive you are based on physical attributes is ;it robs you of the joys of falling in love with the inner part of you which you will find as I have that it aint so pretty. Most times it does not really reflect the almost perfect and beautiful image we would like to create about ourselves. I got to a point in my life where my self worth was highly influenced by how many people could affirm me and remind me that I am beautiful. If I happened to walk down a street and no one noticed me or complimented me it would make me feel so insignificant. And I yes I loved the attention whether good or bad it didn’t matter.I desperately wanted to feel like I was pretty enough; even if it was based on the vaguest aspects of beauty.
If I could get someone else to look at me and see something that is beautiful even if it was superficial I would hold on to it. Anytime I got confronted with the uglier parts of myself I would convince myself that at least I was still pretty enough even if it was based on shallow standards.
I was really insecure; I would find satisfaction in listing the different guys who were trying to talk to me, laugh it off with my friends. Highlight my near perfection and laugh at how someone looking the way that they do would even think of talking to me. (Do you see me, lol). It was all pride somewhere along the line I wanted to be accepted so much so that I slowly adopted behaviors, habits and attitudes that only reflected who I was internally.
Just an insecure girl who didn’t know how to be something other than pretty enough to appease your eye but having nothing concrete within me. When I turned 20 I started wanting so much more out of myself, I was committed to finding a different way of embodying beauty that didn’t limit my expression.
To be free in expressing my not so pretty moments but also being secure enough to know that I am still beautiful and loved. It is only through the relationship with Jesus Christ that I am learning what it truly means to be beautiful.
I’ve built a perception about my self worth that is founded upon truth, a liberation from my very narrow and limited understanding of beauty. It doesn’t matter if I walk down the street and no one looks at me; I have the deepest knowing that If Jesus loved me enough to die for my sins surely there was beauty deep within me that was worth dying for.
Through the power of Jesus Christ I am falling in love with the process of becoming who God has called me to be .
My beauty is built around who Jesus says I am, the best way to feel beautiful isn’t to hide and pretend like someone you re not . What makes me beautiful is my ability to seat at my father’s feet to press through and seek him when I would much rather be distracted. To be vulnerable and transparent with everything that I am, I’m learning to constantly ask my father to show me what he sees in us. To help me understand that there is inner beauty in all of us whether I choose to accept it or not. It is only through his love that you can start the journey of truly getting to know yourself. What makes me beautiful is my honesty, through the strength of Jesus Christ. The liberty that I have found in God gives me the freedom to speak my truth without feeling ashamed. That defines beauty for me, honesty with God which translates into honesty with yourself and others.
I’ve reached a place in my life where I can be content if no one ever told me I was beautiful; so long as my father would remind me in moments where I questioned my beauty that I was so worth the sacrifice therefore I am beautiful. It is enough to know that what makes me beautiful is that I was simply worth the sacrifice.