How far will you go to hide some some of your not so perfect moments ,the things done in the dark where no one is watching. We all have those moments when we do something so contrary to what we believe is right but failing to stop rather we choose justification than admitting we were wrong. I’ve been caught up in my own shame and in those moments I’ve convinced myself that if someone ever found out my self image would forever be tainted, so most times I would invest my energy and time just to make sure no one ever finds out. What I had forgotten is that God sees it all, I can fool you into believing something that isn’t true but I can’t fool God.
Black mirror is my favorite TV show at the moment, each episode leaves me with a clear and much deeper awareness of our nature. At the end of each episode I always ask myself if I would have made the same choices as each character had I been presented with similar circumstances. Most times I lie to myself and say I would act in better ways, with much more integrity but truth is I probably wouldn’t. It is much more easier to convince myself that I am better, different full of integrity and character but most times this isn’t so true.
I just watched the episode titled (shut and dance) for the 5th time. It is centered upon the notion of shame. Two men struggle with shame , one is a teenager caught masturbating, the other is a married man who goes online with the intention of committing adultery. Each have created a self image; an identity about who they think they are, and they would go any lengths to make sure that nothing destroys their little self image. We follow both characters as they try to fulfill different requests with the promise that their shame will remain hidden, spoiler alert (only to find that what they were so eager to hide to protect is leaked online and everyone finds out.
If there is anything I’ve learnt over the course of my life is that nothing under the sun can be hidden forever. Sometimes we fool ourselves, thinking, we are smarter and much more calculating which is wrong. We make the mistake of believing that unlike everyone else we might get away with presenting only partial truths about who we are. In the book of Genesis we are presented with the fall of man and the beginning of shame the extent in which the first human beings were willing to go just to hide their shame.
Most times we start off by blaming someone else, by upholding our own self- righteousness through our pride it becomes harder to admit that maybe I was wrong. The more I grow in my relationship with God I comprehend just how much freedom truly lies in him. It lies in knowing you are forgiven, you are loved and known the fullness of who you are not who you present yourself to be. I think shame is one of the greatest traps in growing in your faith, it robs you of the freedom of speaking the truth however ugly it is because everyone of us has a past, a habit an attitude and even a lifestyle that we aren’t so proud of.
The more we try to hide our shame and settle for some false perception about who we are the easier it is to find yourself doing anything just to uphold the false perceptions you have created about yourself. Time and time again we are promised that if we give it all away to God in humility he will cleanse our souls, make us new. I truly believe it. There isn’t another assurance or security than one found in Jesus Christ to know that you are known, the fullness of who you are and yet you are still loved.
I’ve had my own fair share of shame, and I’ve seen parts of me that I hate but I’ve made justifications because it was much more easier. The hardest truth to admit to yourself is that I was wrong and what I had thought about myself or rather what I’ve presented to you as the best version of who I am is a fabricated lie. Nothing reveals your own fallibility that the word of God. Yet nothing offers the greatest redemption even for our greatest shame than the knowledge of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.